What Are You Going To Do After Graduation?

This is the question I have been asked countless times over the course of the last year of my life, but particularly this semester, and particularly more frequently as the days have passed.

It's April now. I graduate next month. And I have no plans as of yet for the future. It's a daunting fact and a realization that carries power with it to haunt me for days. I don't have a job lined up -- least of the beginning of a career and I don't have the first idea where I am going to live. It's terrifying.

And yet, I have remained pretty calm throughout all of it. At the beginning of this year, my goal was to find a job by second semester. At the beginning of second semester, my goal was to find a job by spring break. After spring break, my goal was simply to find a job. And it hasn't been for lack of trying. But I just don't seem to be having any luck.

I've applied lots of places. Locally, and in Boston. All last week and the week before, I have sat in class, multi-tasking as I attempt to feign interest in whatever the teacher has been talking about, while simultaneously sifting through internship opportunities and online application portals. I have revised my cover letter so many times, I think I could recite the introduction paragraph by heart. I have pleaded in desperation to companies to please hire me, veiled thinly with phrases like "I await your response" and "let me know if you have any questions". And all to no avail.

I just spent some time surfing through Boston's Housing Wanted link on Craigslist where I ultimately posted an ad asking for a room to stay in during the summer, even though I have no job lined up and no money for a down payment. What can it hurt?

I so don't have my shit together. I don't have a place to live -- here or there -- and I don't know where I'm going to work after May 14th. Sure, I've booked myself a roundtrip ticket to France for a two-week post-graduation vacation in the country I love, but upon my return, I will be landing not only in Wichita, but in reality. A reality which is likely to see me unemployed and homeless.

Over the last several months, my friends have been discussing apartments in Wichita and things like rent and roommates. They've started new jobs at big companies and things are looking great for them and their continued lives in the Midwest metropolis which is Wichita. But not for me. I want something more.

Of course I do. I always do. And isn't that exactly what always gets me in trouble? I demand euphoria, excitement, drama, perfection. I need things to be big and bold and absolutely not boring. I have to go and do things on my own and far away from everyone else. I can never simply be satisfied to stay where I am, and live my life among those who seemingly do not long for faraway places in the same way I do. No, I have to make things difficult on myself.

I know that, but I also know that making things difficult is just another way of saying that I am making things worthwhile. All the struggles and moments of sheer fear when I have no earthly idea of what is coming next, that's going to be the stuff that makes it meaningful later on, right? Right?

Nobody has the answer for me. Least of all, myself. Nobody has any idea what is going to happen to Alyssa in the future, or even right now, for that matter. And that thought alone is enough to make me want to enroll in more classes until I die.

After graduation -- out there, in the real world -- that is the place where scary things happen. The unknown lurks around every corner and there are bills to be paid and responsibilities to be had. It's the total opposite of the warm security blanket of college education which has coddled me for the past eight semesters. It's a harsh wake-up call from an angry mother with a shrill voice the morning after a night out with friends, as she rips the covers off of your face and turns your hungover, disoriented world upside down. It's sudden, it's scary, and it's very, very real.

And yet, I find it most comforting to recognize the fact that there are others who are in the very same boat as me. Even though I haven't had enough time to catch my breath in two weeks, even though I have an exam tomorrow which I should be studying for now, and even though I won't see the end of my to-do list until a few days before graduation finally arrives... I think it is somehow calming to accept the fact that I am not in this alone.

Sure, I may be freaking out about my future. But everyone does, at some point. And yeah, hindsight is always 20/20. But foresight? You're going into that blind. There's no way to tell the future. There's no way to know if the next best decision of your life lies just around the corner. There's no way to know. Until you get there. You just have to go.

You just have to have faith in yourself and your life and know that whatever happens, will do so for a reason and it will all inevitably lead you down the right path at the right time and you will arrive exactly where you are meant to be, to stumble upon the opportunities which are meant for you. And that's horrifying. But what other choice do you really have?

So no, I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. I don't know where I'm going to live, either. Maybe Wichita. Maybe Boston. Maybe France. Maybe somewhere else entirely. I may work two jobs earning minimum wage as a barista and a waitress, putting in 50 hours a week. I may land my dream job tomorrow when one of the internships in Boston finally replies. I just don't know.

I haven't the foggiest. Because, for the first time in my life, the protective, familiar structure of academia has not dictated what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. I am free to choose what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be. I am vulnerable and, finally, I get to make all my own decisions. That's terrifying, and I haven't really figured it all out yet. And that's okay. I'm twenty-two and new at this. I don't have to have everything figured out. Thanks for asking.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 16 (Bullet Your Entire Day)

Day 16: Bullet Your Entire Day

Well, my day isn't quite over yet, but I've currently got about 15 minutes to kill before The Daily Show comes on, and after I watch it, I'll be going to bed. So this is as close as it's gonna get.

• Forced myself to get out of bed in the cold morning air
• Took a shower and soaked up the hot water
• Got out and got dressed for work
• Turned on my One Direction playlist
• Did my hair and makeup for the day
• Caught the bus to campus for class
• Went to class and discussed our Euro Disney case study (which was pretty interesting to me)
• Went to breakfast in the cafeteria
• Read today's issue of the school newspaper
• Went to work (for almost two hours longer than I intended)
• Caught the bus home while Skyping my little brother on my phone
• Laid down for about five minutes, which was long enough to start to doze off
• Got up and went to dinner in the cafeteria
• Stuck around after dinner to socialize with some friends for about an hour
• Left the cafeteria and drove to campus to attend a Spectrum meeting
• In the meeting, we played LGBT Trivial Pursuit and laughed quite a bit
• Left the meeting ten minutes early to come home and catch the new episode of Scandal
• Watched Scandal and managed to fall asleep once during a commercial break
• Crept through social media for fifteen minutes straight before I realized what I was doing
• Took off my makeup and took out my contacts
• Made myself a cup of tea
• Sat down to write this blog entry

That's a day in the life of Alyssa!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 13 (Your Commute To and From Work/School)

Day 13: Your commute to and from work/school

I live and work on campus, so I don't have much of a commute to either location. However, since the addition of the shuttle buses last year, I will say the commute has become much easier for me than it used to be (when the buses are running as they're supposed to).

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I catch the 9:15 bus to campus and ride it three stops to go to class in Clinton at 9:30. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I catch the 7:45 bus and ride it the same distance for class in Clinton at 8:00. On both days, I leave class and walk less than five minutes from the building my class is in to the building where I work.

My commute home is even simpler. I walk across campus about ten minutes to the last bus stop before the one at the dorms where I live and ride the shuttle for about five minutes to get across the busy intersection. The time at which I return home differs from day to day. I don't have class or work on Fridays, so I usually don't make any commute to campus.

I recognize how convenient this commute is for me, even in comparison to the commute I had when I worked a summer job a few months ago. Even living in a city the size of Wichita, I still had to drive 20-30 minutes each way. I know bigger cities require a much longer commute, and that both excites and inconveniences me. (What a privileged problem that is to have.)

While I was in Boston for less than a week this summer, my commute from the city's center to my Airbnb house was about an hour, requiring I change trains twice and then ride the bus to one of the last stops before walking another two blocks to get home. I liked it and disliked it at the same time, but regardless, I've certainly improved at navigating public transportation.

I remember my French host dad telling me that when my host family lived in Paris, he used to have to ride the métro an hour to and from work every day. The métro terrified me the handful of times I used it, and it was always overflowing with sweaty strangers, packed in tightly like a few hundred French sardines.

For now, I've got a commute which is extremely easy, and I'm careful not to take it for granted. But at the same time, I welcome new and exciting changes with open arms.